Trans Euphoria: A Different Type of Magic
BETH MAY
DRUNK CONVERSATIONS AND ENLIGHTENMENTS, MARCH 2025
Lounging on one of the many outdoor chairs that littered the grassy backyard, Kai was taking a moment away from the booming music and crowd of people back inside the house. Nursing the now warm Canadian Club in their hand, they were really regretting the three consecutive vodka shots they did in a moment of courage.
Instead of feeling confident and hot, they were now hating the way the cropped shirt clung to their body, and how the hot pink glittery eyeshadow was weighing down his eyelids in a way that made them want to rub it off until no trace remained.
The constant deadnaming was starting to wear them down, how many more times could Kai take being called [redacted] and not let their anger show?
‘Hey, is this seat taken?’ A voice asked, startling Kai in the process.
Looking up, Kai noticed Theo was standing in the sea of chairs, pointing to the one next to him.
‘Nah, but I’m sure you’d have more fun inside with the rest of the party, and not out here with me,’ Kai quietly responded, hoping their anxiety and exhaustion wasn’t obvious, but they knew it was a pointless exercise, their best friend knew them all too well.
‘I’d rather be out here with you anyways, trust me,’ Theo quickly replies.
‘Mhm, whatever you say,’ Kai says, downing the last quarter of his drink and dropping the empty can to the grass.
‘You think I don’t know why you’re out here all on your own?’
Kai stared off in the distance, refusing to make eye contact with their best friend. He was too drunk to trust himself not to fall apart at any given moment.
‘Hey. You know I don’t see you the same way everyone else does, right?’
Tears were starting to form in Kai’s eyes, so he quickly squeezed them shut, hoping it would stop them from running down his face.
‘They’ll always see me as a girl, I know it. It doesn’t matter how much I change, or what I do. It never seems to go away,’ Kai panted out, not realising how fast they were speaking.
Kai felt Theo kneel down in front of them, and take a hold of his hand, but he still refused to make eye contact.
‘Hey. Kai. Look at me,’ Theo said softly.
Squeezing Theo’s hand, Kai reluctantly turned to face their best friend, tears now silently rolling down their cheeks, bringing chunks of dark mascara with them.
‘It doesn’t matter how other people perceive you. You know who you are best, and you know you’re not a girl. And for the record, I never have, and never will either. Okay?’ Theo whispered to Kai.
‘I know how hard dysphoria can be, but sometimes you have to focus on the things that make you feel good. The euphoric moments are as special and important as the dysphoric ones,’ Theo continued. Kai could only nod in response, not trusting their voice. Theo gently brought their hand to Kai’s cheek, wiping off the mascara and salt-stained tears.
The two of them then squeezed onto the one outdoor chair, a tangle of limbs which could not have been comfortable. Kai found Theo’s hand, and intertwined their fingers together, letting himself sit with the moment.
FOOTY SHORTS AND A SPORTS BRA COMPROMISE, SEPTEMBER 2025
There were rounded corners of purple tape littered all over Kai’s desk and floor. A pair of scissors were left discarded in the middle of the desk; blades pointed outwards. Kai was awkwardly watching themselves in the mirror, desperately trying to figure out the best way to position the tape. Despite their best efforts to keep them contained, cries whined from Kai’s mouth as they continuously had to peel back the tape from their skin, repositioning it over and over again.
‘Fucking finally,’ Kai breathed out when they successfully managed to tape one side down, after at least three failed attempts, and half the role of sports tape wasted. But now came Kai’s biggest challenge: matching the tape on the other side of his chest. (Which, spoiler alert: is Kai’s non-dominant side.)
Kai stared back at their reflection in the mirror, their untaped left side glaring at them. His arms were tired and aching, but they forced them to pick up another piece of the pre-cut tape.
‘One piece in the middle. One on the top. One of the bottom. I got this,’ Kai remarked. Though he was unsure who he was trying to convince, considering their bedroom was empty besides from him and the moonlight streaming in through the slightly angled open shutters.
Eventually, after another three failed attempts, they make it out the other side. Kai had two extremely mismatched sets of deep purple tape on their chest, a stark contrast to his very pale skin.
Kai stepped back and stared at their reflection in the mirror.
‘Holy fuck,’ he let slip out of my mouth subconsciously, smiling in the process.
All that was left was an oversized pair of Melbourne Storm footy shorts, which matched perfectly with their purple taped chest. Kai let their eyes drift from top to bottom, soaking in his appearance. The lack of straps hanging over their shoulders, and the fact that his chest was almost bare and flattened, was like Christmas morning, opening and receiving the gift that was once just a dream.
Kai fished through their drawers and pulled on an oversized band tee on top. The shirt hung down his body in a different way than usual, in a way that sparked magic and joy. It didn’t stick to parts of their body that clothes would normally find and cling to.
He thinks back to the party months ago, when all they could think about and notice was the way the cropped shirt clung to their chest, and how painful it was. But now, they see the light on the other side. Naturally smiling when he notices his reflection again, and the sense of euphoria that comes with this new appearance.
A CAMBRIDGE DEFINITION, JANUARY 2026
Kai feels his phone buzz on the bed. He quickly picks it up to see a message from Theo:
Hey loser this should be your word of the year for 2025: Euphoria! According to the Cambridge Dictionary euphoria is ‘extreme happiness, sometimes more than is reasonable in a particular situation.’
Kai responds without a second thought: mhmmmm okay nerd, I’ll think about it and get back to you!
He then throws his phone back onto the bed beside them, and stares up to the ceiling, thinking about euphoria.
Twelve months ago, he never thought much about his euphoric moments, constantly brushing them off, focusing instead on his discomfort and dysphoria time and time again. With the continuous misgendering and deadnaming hanging around like ominous clouds that never seemed to completely blow away, leaving Kai in a continuous dark cycle, spiralling right around him like a brewing wildfire. Now, Kai feels like those days are behind him, something he never thought he would accomplish.
Kai picks up his phone, itching to text Theo again, but instead he opens up his camera roll, and clicks on his favourites folder. The folder is filled with photos of Theo and him throughout various stages of life the past few years.
Kai clicks on one from 2022. They are wearing a neon pink tank top, paired with red cowboy boots, which looking back on was an absolute travesty, and Kai just smiles. He remembered getting ready for that party, debating whether he should even wear that outfit, because despite feeling hot, he also felt too feminine. He wore it (and regretted it) anyways. But now Kai realises that he would with no hesitation wear that style of outfit now, because he was confident in his gender, and the way he looked. Now choosing outfits that sparked euphoria and made him feel in their extremely objective opinion: hot. (Though, Theo would always say they looked hot anyways.)
They scroll to a more recent photo of the two of them, one where Kai has their arm wrapped around Theo’s waist and is laughing at something he can no longer remember. A checked red shirt hangs on top of a band tee and long denim shorts. Kai’s hair was just starting to grow out from its awkward buzzcut era, and he had eyeliner smudged all over his eyes. It’s a classic transmasc Kai outfit, and it screams who they are to the core, and Kai almost cries. They became the person they once only dreamt of being, someone he thought he wouldn’t live to see exist.
This is what he continues to live for, because despite the stabs of pain, there are sparks of magic within. Everyday Kai wakes up and decides to choose trans joy, and his own euphoria. This comes in the form of outfits that he adores, people who make him feel safe, and activities that they enjoy.
Kai decides that waiting is simply a pointless exercise at this point, and yet again chooses love and magic. He picks up their phone and clicks the pinned contact in his phone app, barely having to wait two rings until the call is connected.
‘Hey, sooooo I think you’re right, that should be my word of the year…’ Kai laughs over the phone to Theo.
Beth May [they/them] is an aspiring journalist, who lives on unceded Dharug land. They are currently in their last year of a BA/BMediaComm, and are also the Editor-in-Chief of Grapeshot Magazine. Beth is interested in all forms of writing, but is particularly passionate about topics surrounding queerness, sports, and neurodivergence.
